Anxiety...Where's the Gift?

After what was a particularly stressful week, I feel the need to write a wee bit about anxiety. And I'm going to do a shameless recommendation for Faithwalking.org and Jim Herrington and Trisha Taylor's book, The Leaders Journey. These resources are where I've gotten my super helpful, and what I believe to be the best and easiest, understanding of anxiety.

So first the explanation...then the stories.

In an anxious situation...or my favourite way of looking at it...an emotionally charged situation, we show up in 1 or 4 ways:

Conflict

Distance

Overfunction / Underfunction

Triangle

...and in many cases, we show up in more than one way at a time.

My kids and hubby are so lucky... I am both a conflict-er and an overfunction-er. This means, I will yell at them while trying to get them to do more. And while it temporarily relieves my pressure valve, it does not help with our relationships.

Dave is a classic Distancer. If there is any sign of conflict, he's off to the safety and solitude of a book. This adds a unique flavour to our marriage. I like to fight, he doesn't.

In the last few months, these anxiety caricatures have been roaming free both within and outside our home.

In my overfunctioning, I have completely changed my diet, exercise goals, lifestyle in general and have given up caffeine and chocolate. Now granted, these things are not bad and they might even be needed for my health but I did them with very little thought or plan. These changes were automatic. My emotionally charged moment: Stage 4 Cancer. My Anxious Response: Change Everything Immediately. And yes, this even included paint colour on my walls and the clothes I wear.

A few of my kids have gone into full conflict mode. And they've chosen me as their target. I am, after all, the one who got sick and ruined their lives. I've lost count of how many times I've been called a twit, a stupid idiot, the most mean mom ever!... and the list goes on. But I know they don't mean it...mostly... because when their guard is down, the crawl up into my lap for a cuddle and a cry. And while this is exhausting, I can see that they are so emotionally charged that they can't make a choice to do anything but fight.

The other kids have disappeared. Hiding quietly in bedrooms and only slinking out for meals. They're putting distance between themselves and their pain. And in this case, I am pain personified.

I can see the anxious reactions in friends and family outside our home too. I could probably do a fun party trick of guessing how you show up in emotionally charged anxious situations. But the great thing about that, is that we have a chance to recognize what's going on inside us and how that's being seen on the outside.

This is why I think there's a gift attached to the somewhat brutal frustration of anxiety...like when it shows up even when we're not being chased by a cougar..which is an actual thing where I live... but I digress...

The gift is that we can choose how we'd like to show up in the midst of anxiety and slowly work on doing just that. The gift is that we can release the pain and fear and negative emotions held captive by our refusal to change and live into a new way of joy and empowerment and compassion.

My kids are a gong-show right now. Their pain and fears cause them to throw things at me, scream, yell, stomp, slam doors... the whole gamut of angry chaos. But when I am able to take that step back and understand what's being triggered in me, I am also able to stop my anxious response and be calm.

I love the term, Guiding Principle, and I use it when explaining how I want to be in the midst of chaos. Sometimes it's a sentence but lately, it's just 4 words: Calm, Curious, Creative, Compassionate. This is how I want to show up in the midst of emotionally charged situations.

So when my kids come at me with their guns blazing and swords drawn, I can be calm. I can look upon them with compassion and hugs. I can be curious about their feelings and thoughts and I can creatively help them move through their emotions.

Now don't get me wrong... THIS IS FREAKING HARD! Everything in me wants to fight back when I'm triggered. But it gets us nowhere but further down the broken hearted road.

So I'd encourage you to take a moment to look in the mirror and see how you show up when you're triggered, anxious and emotionally charged. And then, decide how you'd like to show up instead. What is your Guiding Principle or the words you can use to remind you of how you'd like to be?

Make the choice to receive this as a gift, it'll change your life.