Accepting Imperfection

In 10 days, I have an appointment for one of my kids... and I've been freaking out...already. In fact, I've freaking out so badly that I needed a counselling appointment for myself to help put some things into perspective. Anxiety levels, that have been relatively low for the past few weeks, are shockingly high right now. I don't love that.

What I am noticing in my anxiety is that I am making up a whole lot of stories. I have already hashed out in my head how this upcoming appointment is going to go. I "already know" what this Dr is going to say and I "already know" that I'm not going to like it. That's a lot of knowing about an event that hasn't even taken place, especially since I don't claim to be psychic.

And I'm noticing that something is being triggered around the word "perfection". This is big for me. That word. I've struggled with it for a long time. I've struggled with my own expectations around perfection and I've struggled with what I believe other peoples expectations are for me. And in this moment, that's all being stirred up.

And I'm noticing is that I'm being rather short tempered with a few particular people. Mostly ones who are shorter than I, but sometimes taller ones too. And, most especially, the one who's appointment I have to attend.

And I'm noticing that I'm eating cookies and wanting chocolate. And I shouldn't because I'm not supposed to eat sugar and that makes me feel guilty and even less perfect than before. It may seem like a little thing but it completes my cycle so fully.

So here's the nutshell: I'm anxious about an event. That triggers my internal story telling...which we know from experience is mostly lies. Which in turn triggers my response of "I need to be perfect because otherwise I'm in trouble"... (not even sure what I'm in trouble for but there ya go). And because I'm not perfect and frankly am tired of trying to be, I fight it out with those close to me and then cap it all off with a cookie and chocolate pity party which makes me feel worse because now I'm guilty too.

Good Night! Sometimes it's all a wee bit too much. Except when I now sit back and take a breath, I can let this go. I can let go of the internal lies. I can let go of the perfectionism, I can let go of the guilt and shame.

I am drawn to page 57 in Brené Brown's book, The Gift of Imperfection, where she lists her definitions of perfectionism. And the last statement is the one hitting home today.

Feeling shamed, judged, and blamed (and the fear of these feelings) are realities of the human experience. Perfectionism actually increases the odds that we'll experience these painful emotions and often leads to self-blame: It's my fault. I'm feeling this way because "I'm not good enough."

That's today's anxiety to a T. I am scared of being shamed, judged and blamed for not being good enough. For not trying hard enough. For not doing it right. But in my increased emotional state, I'm actually making things worse....because before my anxiety hit, I was actually doing pretty good. Before this anxiety took control, I wasn't excepting perfection, I wasn't worrying about what others thought or expected of me, I wasn't picking or giving in to fights. I was still eating a few cookies but I guess I'll deal with that in a whole separate blog.

I guess now comes the hard part. Sitting in vulnerability, accepting my imperfections and not listening to worrying head thoughts about what the Dr may or may not say in 10 days. And it's that vulnerability piece that is both hard and liberating at the same time. Knowing I'm not perfect and humbly accepting whatever judgement or blame comes my way. And further accepting my imperfections and humbly mending the damages caused by picking fights.

So the breathing continues. And with it, the anxious feelings dissipate and in their place is a peace and calm. Not perfect. Just me working on being the best me that I can be.