Father Ahab & Becky the Twit

No, not the title of my new book, although there are enough stories to fill some pages. These are the latest in a series of names hurled at Dave and I by an angry child. Names meant to get a rise out of us.

Unfortunately for the child, the name calling had the opposite effect he was hoping for and unfortunately for Dave and I, the result was still a slammed door and some screaming. The end result was still same same but at least Dave and I held our ground and didn't give in to the immaturity of the moment. Dave was also very impressed at the Ahab reference as he's been preaching on 1 Kings and clearly Koen heard a bit about how awful this guy was. Really, it's a pretty decent insult.

So this is what's going on in our house. We've got a few kiddos who feel it's ok to lash out at others because they can't and in some cases won't work on self control or self-regulation. This is not new.

But what I'm trying to uncover, is the why or the what's going on underneath. I'm trying to be curious before I be mad, annoyed, frustrated, angry, insulted... it's a long list...

And what I've found is that my kids have a huge amount of fear. Crazy huge. Beyond what I can even understand amount of fear. And that every time I push them in a certain way that triggers their fear, they go off on me. Screaming, yelling, name calling, throwing...it's another long list.

And in 3 cases, the ADHD causes them to hyper fixate on their fears, making the reactions more dramatic and more frequent. It's a swirling vortex of not fun.

We've tried many activities and strategies to help them move past their fears, to help them with self-regulation, to help them feel supported. And there may still be more learning and practicing but at this point, not much is working. They are choosing to quit things and hibernate deep in their rooms, only coming out when they really want to bug someone, just for sport.

And I'm wondering now, if it's time to start facing some of the fears head on. And I'm wondering what this looks like.

For me, I don't struggle in the same way. I don't understand what they're going through and why so much is scary to them. If you were to ask me what scares me the most in life... the answer has always been and will always be... spiders. And maybe sometimes being really high up....but mostly spiders.

And I am going through some scary shit right now. I think that I'm probably entitled to a wee bit of fear surrounding uncertain health, uncertain death, uncertain parenting... and also living on the West Coast of BC where there are some pretty big spiders.

But what I see in my boys and the way they react to what they are afraid of just instills a great sadness in me. That they give up so much joy and contentment by choosing to not confront their fears. That they give up on healthy relationships by blaming others for causing their fears. That they are more willing to hide from life than embrace it because the pain of living is too much to handle.

So I'm curious, what are you afraid of? Where does your fear hold you back? What are you missing out on because you've given fear free reign in your life?

I guess to be perfectly honest, I'm also afraid of not getting to live, of dying too soon. I'm afraid that my relationships with my boys won't be perfect before I leave this earth. I'm afraid that Dave will let them watch too much tv when I'm not here anymore...yes, that's a real concern...because sometimes it feel better to just watch something else than face your fears...and screens are bad for my ADHD kids.

But as much as those things are real fears, I am at a place where I can talk about them. A place where I choose to confront them and to take their power away. I can choose healthy living to prolong my stay and I can beat Dave into submission until he agrees to not let the boys watch tv...or, I can let it go and let him make that choice when the time comes.

Fear is not worth holding on to. It robs your joy and your peace. It makes you do and think silly and un-true things. It pushes aside those in a position to help you. It stops you from living your life the way God intended.

Moving forward, this family may just be hitting our hardest spot yet, as we work with our professionals to help face fears and move beyond them. Or harder, sit with them and accept them for what they are. There will be a lot more name calling and door slamming in our future but it is my prayer and hope for my kiddos that they will see the light at the end of the tunnel. That they will know they can move through dark and scary times and come out on the the other side bruised and broken but very much alive.

When you see me, sitting calmly with a tarantula walking on my head, you will know that I am no longer afraid of anything. And I am so fine with that never happening. I am so ok with having one or two healthy fears. But I will not be found, giving power to fears that take away my living.