Don't Cancel Thanksgiving

I'm a pretty resilient lady... at least I think I am. But even I have limits on what I can handle. And this weekend, with fears of being a Debbie Downer , I was ready to completely cancel Thanksgiving.

The thought of making a meal and worse, sitting around the table sharing what I'm thankful for was beyond what I felt emotionally capable of.

I can't seem to find my emotional balance right now. And I guess that makes sense given everything that's going on but at the same time, I'm frustrated with myself for being so human. And worse, I'm frustrated with my kids for being human.

We are needy. We are experiencing trauma and we are falling apart. And I hate it. I hate every second that we give in to fear and can't be brave. I hate it when my kids cry but I can't. I hate it when I want to cry but it comes out as angry yelling. I hate it when my kids tantrum because they can't use words for their pain or when they beg for more screens because they can't cope with their grief. And I hate when I give in.

But this is all so human. And so real. And this is our life. This is my life.

But that's the other side of the coin...this is my life and I want to be in charge of how I live it. And I hate the days that I'm not traveling around the world... or at least in Peru. And I hate that I haven't built my chicken coop yet or painted my house. I hate that I'm missing out on being with friends in favour of Dr's appointments.

And I wouldn't choose any of this. It's uncomfortable and painful. And everything in me wants to crawl cozy into bed and stay there because I feel like everything is out of control.

But I remember a third side of the coin too. A side that brings balance back into the picture. The side that holds the pictures of the faces of friends and family who support us. A side that holds wise words of those who counsel us.

And I remember that I do have choices. I can make the choice to embrace my humanity and give up on the illusion of perfection. I can make the choice to do what I can in my limited capacity and not hold myself to unreachable standards. I can make the choice to show grace to my kids and myself when we're having a particularly bad day.

And I remember that I have so much to be grateful for. That maybe this thanksgiving my gratitude is more focused than ever before. That even in my longings and shortcomings and my pain and my frustration, I find the best parts of humanity. The love, the joy, the camaraderie, the forgiveness...the grace.

So, Thanksgiving is on. I'm not sure yet if there'll be a turkey. But it doesn't matter what we eat because we will sit and share what we're grateful for... and I'll have plenty to share.