Going Down in a Blaze of Glory

My Grandpa B is 90. My Grandpa and Grandma D are 89. Dave's grandma H is 96. And it's possible that they will out live me. I'm 42.

My dog is 2, my kids are 16, 13, 10, 6 & 6. They'll out live me for sure. My dog will wonder where I've gone. My kids will know and it will suck for them.

Dave is 43. He'll be a widower. That makes me cry.

Doctors are funny when they give you terrible news. They don't actually come out and says it's terrible. It's a really beat around the bush, "do you understand what I'm saying" kind of conversation in which nothing is actually clear. And then all of the sudden they're saying "I'm sorry." But you're not really sure what they're sorry about. And so the conversation starts all over again. Someone needs to give Dr's coaching on how to talk to real humans.

But regardless of the stumbling dance of incoherency, my take away from the conversation with my Dr is that my breast cancer has spread to my bones and it is no longer curable, just treatable.

I'll be ok as long as the medication works to shrink and kill things but at some point, it'll stop working. And while I can think the words, I'm not sure I can put them in print yet.

....phew... here goes... if and when the medication stops working, I will die.

And while that doesn't scare me, ( I really love Jesus and will be so happy to see him and a number of others who've beat me to it) not knowing the timeline does scare me.

Because I want it all. I don't want to think in only years. I want to think in decades. I want to think in kids graduations, and weddings, and grand babies and retirement with Dave and being able to finally afford the camper van we've wanted for so long.

But I can't. That luxury has been taken away. So for now, I'll think in hugs and snuggles and bad elementary school art. I'll think in hiking with my dog and key lime pie. I'll think in painting my house in bold colours. I'll think in arguing with my teens and researching ADHD. I'll think in gardening....despite the fact that those bastard deer keep eating my veggies...I'll think in friends and wine and cozy fires.

I'll think in the present. Maybe for the first time ever, I'll actually be present. To every rain drop and wind storm. To the meals I make and the dishes I do. To each sad tear my kids cry, to every sweet touch that Dave and I share. I will be present to all the things that make life life.

For we know that life is a gift and we even know that we take it for granted each and every day. But I guess that I get to really understand the gift a little earlier than I'd hoped. And while I think that "live each day to the fullest" is a little overused and abused, it's probably not far off the mark.

So, Adventure on we shall. In whatever way it looks. For however long we have. As Bon Jovi sings, "we're going down in a blaze of glory." While the rest of the lyrics aren't really appropriate for this particular blog, I'll just hang on to the one line. Because, while my Lord may be pulling me to the end, I'm not going without a fight.