Anxiety = Emotional Intensity

Let’s talk Anxiety. Specifically, Anxiety in Systems. Now, here comes the disclaimer: I am currently very excited about Systems Theory as proposed by Dr. Murray Bowen. His material is fascinating to my brain and highly applicable to family life in general. I have done several courses with faithwalking.us and through those courses, I was introduced to Bowen’s Systems Theory. Now I just read it for fun!

So here’s what’s stirring me up this morning.

I had a disagreement with my 9 year old, K. I know… shocking…. except not… K and I have disagreements all the time. You could call them fights, altercations, stare-downs… today I’m choosing disagreement.

K is a highly charged individual. He’s been assigned such terms as Separation Anxiety Disorder, Oppositional Defiance Disorder, Panic Disorder, Sensory Processing Disorder and possibly ADHD. And he comes by it honestly. He didn’t choose any of these things and we’re slowly uncovering where they come from and how to sort them out… but … in the mean time, we’re struggling.

This morning, K woke up highly charged. I heard him before I even saw him. There was stomping and slamming and muttering and yelling. And so I became highly charged.

By the time I asked K to get dressed for school, he was in full meltdown mode. Our conversation looked like this:

Me: Would you please take your basket of clean laundry to your room and put on your uniform?

K: I hate you and I want to live with only my Dad.

Me: (In-drawn breath): Um, ok… could you please get dressed.

K: I’m only talking to Dad and only listening to him and not you.

Me: (knowing better but still being drawn in): I didn’t even do anything this morning. All I’ve done is made lunches for you guys.

K: AAAAAHHHHHHHHAAAAAAHHHHHHH! (Stomps away!)

By now, my hackles are up. I’m offended. I’m hurt. I’m discouraged because we’re doing this again. And again, I feel like I haven’t learned anything. Again, I’m allowing myself to be drawn into a stupid argument with a 9 year old. I think I’m more frustrated with myself than with him.

But it doesn’t end there. He refused to get dressed and laid on the stairs screaming. Then he hid in his bed. Then he did put on some clothes but crawled back in his bed… and end of story, didn’t make it out of the house to go to school.

You may ask, what was the cause of all this behaviour this morning? A BELT! That’s it! We had an overall crap morning because of a BELT!

K discovered this morning that Dad had thrown away his broken and fraying belt yesterday and that act, turned our house upside-down this morning.

So, what does this have to do with anxiety? In her book, Extraordinary Relationships, Dr. Roberta Gilbert interjects the word anxiety with Emotional Intensity. I love this description.

Imagine a room full of toddlers. At first they might be sitting quietly, playing, being calm. But what happens when one decides to start running? Guaranteed, another one will join in. And then another, and another… and soon you have tiny humans bouncing off walls and each other, vibrating with physical intensity that increases in volume, speed and general chaos.

Now apply this image to the emotional intensity in your family system. Things may start off calm but all it takes is one person to set off the chaos if we’re not mature enough to manage our own emotions in the midst of it.

Here’s what the rest of my family looked like this morning while K and I were worked up: E, 16, hid in his room.

M, 13, made weird jokes and when they fell flat, hid in his room.

A, 5, had a tantrum of his own and was sent to his room.

J, 5, tidied the living room to help me feel better

and D, a grown man, simmered angrily as he gathered boys to get them to school.

Emotional Intensity Level: High

Emotional Maturity Level: Low

We let the emotions get the better of us this morning. We let the anxiety creep in and take over our system before stepping back and taking a broader view of the situation.

What could’ve been different if we’d known from the beginning that a belt was causing the trouble? Yesterday, D didn’t know that the belt was a precious item. He didn’t know that K thinks he needs it to look cool and also keep his pants unusually tight. All D knew is that is was broken.

Today I’ve had a great reminder. My home is full of emotional intensity and as a parent and spouse, it is my responsibility to act out of emotional maturity instead of being drawn into the anxious system. To teach my kids that remaining calm in the chaos is way more loving and effective than joining in. I don’t want a home that looks like a room full of bouncing toddlers, spreading chaos. I want a home where showing emotions is safe and met with empathy. So, it can start with me, I can be the example of calm.