Dang R Word

So, a new year has begun. I actually made it to midnight last night... a bit past even. But today I'm paying for it; I may be a wee bit on the grumpy side of life. Which doesn't make it any easier to talk about that nasty R word... Resolutions.

I've always loved the idea but I've always gotten it so wrong. And thus failure is swift and discouraging. And another year goes by with me floundering around with useless goals and little motivation.

Generally my resolutions go something like this:

Jan 1 - lose 100 lbs... today

Jan 2 - train for and run a marathon... today

Jan 3 - change the behaviour of all my children... today

Jan 4 - write a book....today

Etc... etc... you get the idea. Not just un-realistic, but totally, completely absurd.

I have tended to be an all or nothing kind of person. (There's some work that I've been doing around this but that's a whole different post). I want things changed and changed fully right this second. I've never had much time for going slow and accepting that things take time. No butterfly-cocoon stories for me. I want to make the decision to change and voila! I'm changed.

But based on the failure of my absurd new year's resolutions, I found that life doesn't actually work at all like this. And I know that deep down, but I just assumed I was the one person immune to actually needing a whole process to change my trajectory of life. I really assumed that I could speak change into existence. And thus it would be.

It's kind of laughable, especially when you watch me set an alarm to try and get up at 5 am for an hour of yoga and meditation followed by healthy muffin baking and housecleaning. I am not in love with getting out of bed at the best of times. Early mornings have never been my friend and yet, there have been so many Januarys with the alarm set for me to start failing at the crack of dawn.

So this year, I've been pretty careful not to make any resolutions. But I do have some changes and ideas I'd like to be curious about. And one stupid challenge I accepted.

My Dad, a personal trainer, posted a FB challenge to do 100 push ups per day for the month of January. So of course I said I'd do it. I've done 70 so far today... and I hurt a little already. But even my attitude towards stupid pushups challenge is a step above previous years.

I might not do it. I might not get 100 in every day. I might do some each day and I might skip days. That's not my goal. I'm really hoping that I can maintain the 100 for the next 31 days. It would feel really great. But I know a few things now that make this less daunting. One, my Dad won't love me less if I don't finish the challenge. He might mock me but he won't stop loving me. Two, I won't love myself less for having not completed this task. I might feel disappointed but not unloved. Three, I am not less of a person for not completing this. I am still kind and generous and caring.

... but I'm still really hoping I can do it...

It's this attitude that makes me curious and excited about the other changes and ideas I have. I'd like to learn about being un-hurried and what that means for me. I'd like to do some yoga. I'd like to practice daily gratitude. I'd like to train my dog in agility. I'd like to run more and maybe even throw a marathon in... but that seems like a bit too much commitment right now. I'd like to have more fun.

And I'd like to be kind to myself. To give room to thrive and room to fail. And not beat myself up for either of those. I'd like to show myself compassion and grace. I'd like to deepen my understanding of what my journey looks like. And further, accept that I am on a journey and that it is good.

I'm happy to say that this coming year holds no sudden changes... at least the ones I control... just gradual learning, deepening and changing.

Except of course my rock hard abs and shoulders after doing 3100 push ups this month.