Don't They Know

Two Weeks ago, I had to tell my boys that I had breast cancer. What a deeply troubling feeling to know that you are, even momentarily, altering their sense of safety and well being in a way that you can't control. It's awful.

I sat and watched them cry and struggle to right their upside down world and my heart broke for them in a whole new way.

Because don't they know, that I would give both my breasts away in a second if it meant that they wouldn't have to feel afraid. Don't they know that my body, which bore each one of them and fed each one of them would die for them to have life.

As I've told people who need to know these cancer details, I've come across so many who offer support and encouragement.... and right they should, and I am grateful for the kind words and prayers.

But don't they know that I would endure a thousand sick days for my boys to be healthy. Don't they know that I am desperate for days where my kids don't feel their anxiety and their ADHD and their ODD. Don't they know that I feel stronger about beating cancer than I do as a mom. Don't they know that I blame myself for every bad day we have.

I talk to doctors about procedures and medications and they ask for my opinions and my desires but don't they know that what my heart desires is for my husband to find peace. Don't they know that I if I had to choose between no breasts and a content marriage that these boobs would be long gone.... except to be fair, my husband does quite like them... so I guess he'd be sad to see them go. But still, my offer stands.

So please, hear my words, there is so much more at play in my life right now than just fighting cancer. It's a big piece, I'll give it that. But my boys are suffering, for real. And my marriage feels sad. And my heart is a wee bit broken.

And my fear is not pain or sickness or even death, my fear is that I won't be a good enough mom to 5 boys who all struggle with... life. My fear is that I am not a good enough wife for my husband and I love him more than I even know how to express... and sadly, sometimes I don't express much at all. My fear is that I'm not a good enough friend, that I think about myself too much.

Because at the end of the day, my cancer will come and go (she says optimistically), but my people will stay. My boys will be here, my husband will be here, my friends will be here. And I don't want to screw that up. I don't want my immaturity to mean that I'm not a good enough.

And don't you know, I am so much more than my pink ribbon diagnosis. I am a mom and a wife and a friend, and a woman. And because life won't stop for me to be sick and in pain, I will count on every kind word and caring gesture to get our family through the next few months.

Because I am grateful for every word that dispels my fears and insecurities. I am grateful for every one of you who looks upon my kids with love in moments when I fail. I am grateful for every one of you who says that I am enough. And for those who say I'm great at just being ok.

I am grateful for the grace of God. Because don't you know, whatever your current shit storm may be, He is there.

Because don't you know, we got this. We were made for this. It's life. Sometimes it sucks. Sometimes it's extraordinary. Every day it's a gift and we get to choose what we do with it.

So, no, my cancer doesn't scare me. But screwing up my relationships does. So if they don't know... I gotta tell them how much I love them. And show them... and then tell them again... show them again... because that's how life goes. Mistake, fix, shit, jubilation, mistake, mistake, crap, joy, mistake, fix...