F.O.F.S

There's a phrase that my kids have been using for the last little while and it's driving me crazy.

Don't judge me!

That's it. That's the phrase. And it comes before anything they tell me that they think they'll be in trouble for... or it comes after I've corrected them.

And I think they're using it wrong. Because here's the thing. Sometimes I need to judge the behaviour or the actions.

Like when I take the big one driving and he puts on his aviators and turns the steering wheel with one hand, all cool, like he's been driving for a zillion years... and I say "Hey, maybe check your book but I think you're supposed to do a hand over hand turn". "Don't judge me, Mom!" ...um... yah, I kinda need to.

Or like when the 10 year old eats a bag of Oreos and then shoves the package down the back of his bed.... that's not a great health choice and he shouldn't be lying either.

Our actions and attitudes sometimes need to be judged. In fact, we have a whole slew of people in our world who have this as a job title. They judge for a living... and it's a good living because we generally do things that we need to be held accountable for.

But I think what we're afraid of, is not the judging but the being judged and found wanting. I think we have a Fear of Falling Short...at least I do. A fear that my actions will lead to disapproval or un-favourable consequences.

And yet, when I've done the work of being self-differentiated and am secure in who I am, the worry about being judged falls away. Because if someone is to judge me and find me wanting, their name had better be Dave and they better have made their expectations clear before I built the chicken coop... ok... that's a whole different story... but do you get the picture?

Judge away. Find me lacking. But please know that unless we have the type of relationship where expectations are tossed back and forth and there's a whole lot of trust surrounding that... your opinion of me just may not trigger my Fear of Falling Short.

So I wish my kids would be able to come to me and say, "You may need to judge my actions, and you may find that I have fallen short of your expectations of me but please show mercy in your response and probably punishment".

But until then, I guess I can stop my eye rolling and show them the mercy they deserve even when they do come at me with the "Don't judge!" And hopefully it'll just be a phase that we'll all outgrow.

And if you need to eat a bag of gummies in your bed while binge-watching Full House, and you're totally confident in your self for doing it... have at 'er. No judgement here.

...cause sometimes I eat chocolate in bed...