Gratitude

I spent the last few days on Vancouver Island with my 3 youngest boys. My hubby had a retreat / conference so I thought we'd tag along and do some shopping in a bigger city.

It was a long 3 days. My 9 year old had a big anxiety attack the night before we left and my 5 year old twins were bouncing off the walls from excitement. The dynamics didn't change much once we were on the road and heading for our mini vacation.

But as the day wore on, I felt such lightness in my heart. A quick stop at Bigfoot donuts, the beautiful autumn foliage as we drove, meeting a friend for lunch, and a 2 hour-fully supervised-trampoline park-break for Mom... the moments of the day were so overwhelmingly normal yet so special it was like I had on a new set of lenses. Weird for a cynic like me.

In a normal world, I would've focused on the negative behaviour of my kids and the quietness of my husband and used them as tools to fuel whatever angsty-fire I was building that day. Curious.

My phone call with Hubby that night was the icing on the cake of a good day. He explained an exercise he'd done at his conference earlier and the outcome of that was him expressing "I'm happy". Start the tears now! I'm not sure I've ever heard those words come from him. There have been moments of joy or contentment but never lasting long.

I actually had to sit back and process those 2 words, "I'm happy." They made me feel uncomfortable and giddy at the same time. If he was allowed to express that thought, was I? Life in general hasn't been easy for the 2 of us. There have been some definite speed bumps - hills really. But am I at the point where I can look back at those things and say despite those hills, I have come over them, lived to tell about them and am now happy? HUH? Maybe that would be ok.

The following day found me in the company of my best friend of 31 years. I hadn't seen her in 3 years but spending time with her is like coming home.

Then I had a friend at home help out my 2 oldest boys with a big dog problem... And then I came home to a guest house offered by another friend... And another conversation with my husband about how good things were... And then a hug from a friend... And then new slippers... And then

Brie with crackers... And then... And then.... The blessings over the 3 days kept mounting but in moments that were so normal and small that you wouldn't have noticed them if you weren't looking.

And tonight I am back home at my house. Safe, warm and still with crazy, annoying kids. So much like every other day. Except that today I feel rooted in friendship. Rooted in gratitude for the little things that mean so much. Rooted in happiness that is more than moments of joy or moments of contentment but more of a lasting... life may suck but I am loved and I can do this kind of happiness. It's a God-given happiness. That's the only way to describe it.

And maybe, just maybe, it's ok for me to express it out loud. "I'm happy!" I can say it too.

So thank you! Thank you to those who were part of the last 3 days. Thank you to those who helped and offered help. Thank you for conversation and hugs. Thank you.