Hard Can Be So Good

It is hard but it is still good.

The last 3 weeks have been particularly hard. I'd come to a point last week where all I could do was go to bed to hide from life. It felt better to take myself out of the picture because I was so not good at being part of a solution.

This week, I am still sleeping. I am napping and going to bed early but what has changed, is that I know I need this sleep so I can be part of the solution and that is what I desperately want.

I am working on taking the pressure off myself so that I can rest and be restored. I have worked myself up into a complete mess and most days, I'm not even sure where to find the end of the rope to help unravel the knot. Dave asked me the other day if I have any grace for myself. And mostly, the answer is no. But, since I've already written a blog stating that I am going to work on being gentle and kind with myself, I'd like to keep my word and do those things.

So today, being gentle and kind looks like sitting with my coffee and watching a wee bit of Netflix. And even just writing that, my guilt comes pouring over me because I should be doing something productive. My heart is actually beating faster... and not just from the caffeine. It is hard for me to take time for me. But I need it. So here I am.

I finished the last half of The Biggest Little Farm. And bawled my eyes out.

When I'd started it yesterday (while folding laundry - being productive), I'd been ambivalent towards the whole thing. Granted, I love and agree with the idea. I love and agree with having chickens and pigs and sheep... I'd actually love to live there. But I just wasn't fully engaged.

Today, towards the end of the movie, Molly's voice over talks about the hardships they endured over the 8 years. And there were so many, that was really evident. But what really brought that home was hearing her say something along the lines of... but because of the hard, the rewards are so much better.

This really hit home today. In a world where we are striving for things to be easy. To put in less effort and just expect more. To be entitled because we think we're fabulous. More... more... more but do we end up with less?

We've got self-numbing down to an art form. We've got hiding from the world figured out. We are so good at the walls and barriers that keep us isolated and alone. And somehow, we've convinced ourselves that this makes life easier. But for what? Easier to be lonely?

To bypass the hard, what are our rewards? Broken families? Sadness? Isolation?

Sure, we can work hard and achieve wealth but that's not what I'm getting after. I'm wondering about emotional hard. I don't think that Molly's voice was only talking about the physically hard work of building a farm. That's part of it for sure. But there is so much more. The emotional side of building that farm. The ups and downs of win and lose, of loss of life and loss of dreams.

I look at the passion they had to create and to pursue a dream and I am almost embarrassed that my goal today was to fold a load of laundry. What happened to my passions and dreams? For me and my family? Have I put them aside because they were too hard? Because I wanted an easy life, without problems and issues? That's not what happened. Putting dreams away doesn't make things easier. It just makes them sadder. It doesn't take away the hard, it just means that the reward isn't worth fighting for. That sucks!

I want to be someone who walks through the hard because I know the reward will be so much sweeter. And even if it's not. Even if there is no reward, I still want to walk through the hard so that I know that I chose to be strong.

Easy doesn't always have a sweetness to it either. I think just a loneliness. So find your people. Find your community. Find your passions and goals and dreams and families and friends and embrace the hard. Embrace vulnerability and fear and just go for it. Because I'm pretty dang sure that the hard will be so, so good in the end.