Ice Cream Floats might mean Connection

When D and I were newly married and I wanted attention from him, I would get in front of him, grab his arms and jump up and down yelling "Attention! Attention!". Super annoying and immature, I know! But it did the job. Guaranteed, Dave would look at me and engage me. How could he not really? I am dang cute.

Fast forward 20 years and I am the one being faced with the jumping, yelling attention getter. This time, in the form of a 9 year old who seems desperate for an ice cream float. He started asking for it on a Thursday afternoon - every 20 minutes or so. It continued Friday morning and by Friday after school, he had started phoning me to ask if I could pick up the ingredients for dinner that night. In 24 hours, he'd asked approximately 27 times for an ice cream float. Orange pop, Vanilla ice-cream. 27 times.

Needless to say, I said No! I was so completely annoyed and frustrated by the constant asking, begging, pleading. It was also a few weeks after Halloween and I was swearing my kids off of anything containing sugar. Which then included Orange Pop and Vanilla Ice Cream!

When I mentioned this Float obsession to a friend, she asked "What was the significance of the Float?" HUH? He wanted a sugary drink. Why is that significant? He's nine and he likes sugar. End of story.

My friend continued. "But he asked a lot of times, it must have felt significant for him or he would have let it go." I muttered about his ADHD. She challenged me to ask him and see what he said.

So I did.

On Friday nights, our family does movie and pizza. We're all usually done with life and grumpy so it's been a relaxed way for us to veg together. But lately, it's changed. My oldest son now works on Friday nights so he's out of the house and a parent has to leave to pick him up from work in the middle of a movie. I'm tired of little kid movies so I've sat at the dinner table a few times instead of on the couch with the kiddos. And *gasp* we've even tired of pizza so we've experimented with Chinese food and sometimes McDonalds.

Our Friday nights have changed. Mostly due to ages and stages but they've changed none the less.

And this is what prompted K to ask for ice cream floats 27 times. He wanted Friday night to feel special and cuddly again. He wanted us to gather around something fun because clearly pizza alone wasn't holding us together any more. What this really meant, is that he wanted all of us to be connected. He wanted to feel safe and secure in our family ritual.

It's like a punch to the gut when you clue in that the annoying behaviour of a loved one could really mean that they are begging for attention and connection. And granted, maybe he is just a 9 year old with a sugar craving. But when it came down to it, he articulated pretty clear what he needs.

It would have been easier if he'd just grabbed my arms and jumped and yelled for attention but I'd've probably been just as annoyed with that. Which is the super sad part! When did my kid's cry for connection become an annoyance to me? That I'm not willing to sit through a stupid kids movie even if it means cuddling my kiddos.

So here's the thing. We need connection. End of Story.

We as human beings are wired to need connection and there are probably a billion articles out there on the inter-web and in papers and magazines that say that exact thing. So why did it take a kid 27 tries to get my attention?

We can spend hours detailing how media and society have led us astray. How our cell phones have become a replacement for real human interaction. These things are true, and they've have had really scary consequences. So where is our responsibility in it? Why have we been so willing to give our control over to the media and society and cell phones? Is it simply just easier to blame something else for lost connection?

Is it ok for you? To lose connection to your kids, your family, your friends? Are you ok with that outcome? I'm not. I'm not ok with losing connection with my kids or my family or friends. I'm not ok with losing out on real, lasting, face to face, cuddle while we eat pizza connection.

Connection can take work. But I'm not willing to sacrifice my relationships for the sake of anything made up. I'm going after real... messy and painful and full of sticky fun. In our house, connection will take on the image of an ice cream float. Orange pop with Vanilla ice cream.