It's Not My Responsibility

I have a husband and 5 boys. I have a mom and dad and 2 siblings. I have in-laws and brothers-in-law and sisters-in-law. I have grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins. And even some friends.

And I used to have a lot of drama.

With this many people around, I was bound to run into drama somewhere along the way. And there was probably even a goodly amount of it that I manufactured. For a time, it even seemed life giving.

But as it turns out, people drama is not life giving. It's actually life sucking. It can seem exciting and it can fuel passions. It can even form new relationship bonds and feel like it's bringing people closer together. But it's a false reality because before long, someone is going to get hurt, someone is going to act out, someone is going to walk away completely and what you're left with is a group of very broken people.

So what does it look like to live in a drama free world? Honestly, it looks like freedom. It looks like empathy instead of gossip. It looks like self-differentiation instead of fusion. It looks like genuine relationships instead of surface relationships. And it looks like me taking responsibility for my stuff and not shouldering stuff from others.

I've got stuff, don't get me wrong. This is not about me being perfect and other people being less than. This is about all us being "less than" and being ok with walking beside each other in our imperfect states and not taking on what is not ours to take on. Phew! That's a mouthful.

I find my drama-free freedom comes when I set boundaries with people. It's ok for them to share their struggles with me but I have learned that it's not my responsibility to take their struggles as my own and run with them. I don't need to spend my emotional energy on everyone else's stuff. I get to choose on whom and when and where I spend my emotional energy. But, that doesn't mean I can't be empathetic and kind with everyone. Just because I don't choose to carry their stuff after they've tried to dump and run, doesn't mean I don't love them. It just means it's not my responsibility to carry their load.

This doesn't always go over so well. There are many who would love to have the freedom of the dump and run... but that isn't lasting freedom. It's a momentary relief because for a time, someone else will carry their junk. But what does happen when you make a boundary and stop carrying someone else's stuff? Ha! Generally, they get really mad with you. Maybe accuse you of not supporting them. Or loving them. Or being a caring person. I've had all of these thrown in my face. That's just the emotional immaturity showing through.

When we can all take responsibility for our own reactions, emotions, and journey, we can actually start living into wholehearted relationships. Instead of using one another as emotional dumping grounds, we work together, side by side to carry burdens. Instead of dumping, we ask for the help we need in the moment... and then graciously thank the friend that stepped up.

And what joy our relationships become. Imagine a family system of siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins.... everyone... that takes responsibility for what is their's but also goes one step further to... not take responsibility for what isn't their's.... but still remains connected and loving towards one another.

What boundaries do you need to put into place? Do you need to learn more about boundaries? What are your responsibilities and what are not yours to carry? This is tricky stuff and it takes practice but there is peace at the end.