No Camping

This is a tough one. It's been a while since I've written about anxiety and the effects of it on our family system but since it's smacking me in the face right now, I thought I'd get some thoughts down.

I have 2 kids with diagnosed Generalized Anxiety Disorder. This means that they are afraid of most things in life... real situations, emotions, imagined situations, food, cars, hiking, dogs... the list always goes on. When anxiety rules your life, there is nothing that isn't scary.

And it's debilitating. For the past 6 months, my 10 year old has been terrified to leave the house. He is afraid of Covid-19, he is afraid of car crashes, he is afraid of animals in the woods, he is afraid that if he leaves our house will burn down... he is afraid of himself being afraid.

He has spent an entire summer in our house and a wee bit in the yard. And I and my husband are exhausted. We have hugged and encouraged him, we have bribed and we have medicated him to get him to leave the house. The emotional struggle of living with anxiety is devastating; for the one who has it and for those near them.

Today, we were supposed to head out camping. After a brutally upsetting and frustrating summer, we thought we'd take a few days to sit among the trees and beaches and do some relaxing.

However, when you're afraid of everything, you're afraid of getting in the car, driving, camping, tent trailers... and of course, your house burning down should you leave it.

So, here we sit, with our trailer packed, food on the counter waiting for the ice to go into the cooler and a tantruming 10 year old boy.

He has screamed at me "I hate you! You're not my mom anymore! Don't look at me, don't talk to me." And this is normal... every time I ask him to leave the house or to do something that is past his comfort zone, I am yelled at. And I'm done.

So for those out there who sit with this kind of brokenness, who watch their loved ones struggle, you're not alone. This sucks. It breaks my heart to the very core.

Because now, I have 2 crying 6 year olds who are blaming their brother for ruining their camping trip. I have 2 teenagers who are worried that I'll leave the 10 year old with them. I have a husband who is frantically trying to fix the taillights on the trailer so that we can legally pull it.(This seems to be an ongoing trailer issue). And I'm crying.

I'm crying as I write today because I'm finding anxiety to be more life threatening than the cancer in my body. I'm crying because of the great sadness I feel for my little son. And the bigger one who also struggles. I'm crying because of my ruined vacation and because anxiety doesn't just affect one person, but has the ability to tear a whole family apart.

This is tough, people. Here's a virtual hug for all those who are struggling in the same way; for all you parents who are watching your kids suffer and doing the very best you can. This sucks, but together we are stronger and we can do this.