Rumble

The reckoning is how we walk into our story; the rumble is where we own it. The goal of the rumble is to get honest about the stories we're making up about our struggles, to re-visit challenge, and reality-check these narratives as we dig into topics such as boundaries, shame, blame, resentment, heartbreak, generosity, and forgiveness. Rumbling with these topics and moving from our first responses to a deeper understanding of our thoughts, feelings, and behaviours gives birth to the key learnings about who we are and how we engage with others. The rumble is where wholeheartedness is cultivated and change begins.

Brené Brown, Rising Strong

I went for a mountain bike ride today. It's kind of a significant thing for a couple of reasons.

One, I haven't done any riding in about 20 years. A bit of road riding here and there but definitely not the mountain variety.

Two, when we moved from Alberta to BC, I told my boys that I'd do something that scared me to show them what bravery looked like. They were all feeling scared about moving and I wanted to let them know that I supported and loved them and would therefore do something that I found scary. It has taken 18 months for me to get on my bike and ride. I was that scared.

But here I am, my third time out. And I love it. I love the freedom of being outside. The laughter of my boys as they watch me suffer. I love the challenge.

But mostly, I love it for emotional reasons as opposed to how good it feels careening down a bumpy hill...'cause that's still pretty scary.

I love that I'm being brave. I love that I'm keeping my word... even though it took longer than I'd hoped. I love that I can connect with my boys who are all better riders than I. And that they're proud of their old mom for being brave.

I love that it gives me time to think. In between the terror of flying down hill and the shortness of breath on the up hills, there is a moment to process emotion. A moment to re-live a fight I've had with my kid. A moment to grieve the loss I'm feeling having my kids at home ALL THE TIME. A moment to celebrate that my kids are home ALL THE TIME.

Today, I was reminded about Brené Brown's book Rising Strong. I loved the imagery throughout this book. Being in the arena, thrown in the mud and rising again. It's so much like my BC Westcoast mountain bike riding experience. Rumbling with life.

And I'm grateful for the reminder. Because today was a pretty whiny, what about me kind of day. I was thigh-deep into the made up stories of being under appreciated and over worked. The stories that everyone else is more important than poor, old me. And I don't like who I am when I'm stuck there. I don't like that my Facebook post says I want to kick someone off of Survivor Isolation... because that someone is my 16 year old... (who's got his own stories going on) and who was irritating the crap out of me. And so we'd battled today, and it feels awful.

So I'm challenged now, as I sit, process and write this out, to rise above the stories. To deepen my understanding of where they're coming from and what my triggers are... and more... how to learn to show up in a better way.

I know better. And that's what kills me. But I'm human and every time I'm triggered, the story telling begins and the emotional maturity drops off. And while I can't just wave a magic wand and change that, I can slow down and accept the challenge to rumble.

I love this last line from Brené. The rumble is where wholeheartedness is cultivated and change begins.

For this, I have named my bike, Rumble. As a reminder that I am fully capable of overcoming fear, of working on my own immaturity, of allowing change to take place that I may live wholehearted.

Me 'n Rumble, we're going to have some adventures. With God along side us, further change can and will happen. Scary & intimidating? Maybe. Life giving? Definitely. Rumble on.