See the Good, Be the Good

I'm struggling today. It's rainy... again. My kids are grumpy...again. I'm tired... still.

And I've spent the week coming up against people who don't treat others so well, simply because they don't agree with how they live. And I guess it's affecting my mood, because I know that I can be one of those judgey people too.

And today I don't feel like being smacked in the face with my hypocrisies. I want to be right and I want to be acknowledged for being right. Super humble, I know. But I guess it's my way of processing the pain I'm feeling.

Earlier this week, I was doing some yard work for an older woman who is trying to sell a house she owns. She had paid my kid to do some work for her and I wanted to help her by finishing the job. It took an hour of my time and I didn't really see it as a big deal, just something kind to do.

Except it turned into a big frustration when several neighbours came out of their houses to tell us to stop working because the people who owned this house were not worth our time and effort. I was truly appalled and disgusted.

Please keep in mind, I don't know these people. I don't know their past. I don't know where they work or what they do for fun. I know nothing. I simply showed up to do a job.

But I was outraged on their behalf. Because who do these neighbours think they are talking such ill about another human? I was so close to telling Miss M. to go stuff herself with her holier than thou I'm a good Catholic and mow my lawn rhetoric, that I had to walk away and cool myself down.

So what in me got so riled up? This value that I have that all people should be treated as though they are worth it. That all should be treated as though they have value, even when they make crap decisions and poor choices.

And today, this value that I hold to is wielding a 2 x 4 and smacking me down. Because today, my kids are driving me nuts and I haven't been kind. I have not treated them as though they are valuable and worth it. I have even thrown a car at the wall I was so frustrated.

So I'm sitting here in my bedroom, shrivelled from crying. Embarrassed. Ashamed. And hurting. And if I hurt this bad, how much more so do my kids hurt? What meaning do they make about how awful they are when their mom throws a car at the wall? How precious and valued to they feel watching me cry in frustration while I make lunch?

And yes, they can learn how to be responsible for their fighting and whining and all the rest. They can own that some of their behaviours do cause a disturbance to the family. But the rest of the crap is on me. I know better.

Now comes the chance for me to get down on my knees and actually engage the humility I strive for and apologize. And listen to hear how my mean-y mom moments have affected them. And make amends. And start over, knowing that I too need the grace and forgiveness of others.

And I guess, be grateful that the 2 x 4 had a little padding. Because I heard a quote today that I thought was quite applicable to my current state of things. "Treat others as though they are good, because maybe it will challenge them to be good."

When we act with kindness and love, we change ourselves, but we might also bring hope and joy to others. They may begin to see their value. And maybe, just maybe, they'll also pass on those things to more who need to know it.

I've got some work to do today. To see the good in others, but specifically my kiddos. And it's not up to them to behave better or to make me see it. It's up to me to look for it and help it blossom.