Simple Normal

When I started this blog a year ago, it was my intent to create a somewhat comedic look at living a life striving for emotional maturity in a frustrating and tough, anxious family system. And while there have been funny moments and growth moments, for the most part, life has taken a turn for the dark and depressing... and thus my blog has followed... especially the posts I write but don't publish.

But I'm coming to a place where the pessimist and the optimist collide. A place where my authentic self is being swallowed up either by the always sunny disposition or the always gloomy disposition. I'm getting tired of the dramatic swings of life and am longing for a simple normal.

Now, anyone who's known me for more than 5 minutes will probably laugh at the concept of me and simple normal. I've been a fairly dramatic human being for a long time, a fire that was fuelled by many drama classes and subsequent plays on stage. I also struggle with ADHD and the erratic behaviour that comes with that. There is no simple normal in me.

So, let's go back to that second line up there and pull out the words "emotional maturity in a frustrating and tough, anxious family system" and then one more up, "comedic look". I think this is where my simple normal and dramatic flair meet. This is the place where my authentic self sits.

If I have learned anything in these last few weeks (and years), it's that emotional maturity is vital to survival in our family system... and I'd argue, vital to every system and that a sense of humour is just as valuable. And I've also learned, that I am not nearly as emotionally mature as I think I am or need to be to navigate this system. And my kids would argue that I'm not as funny as I think I am or need to be either.

But the biggest part of learning about EM, is that without it, I can't find the comedic outlook on life that I need to get through this. The more emotionally immature I behave, the further the stick goes up my butt; the less I'm able to roll with the punches and find the joy in the midst of the muck.

I think what I'm trying to say... is that maybe instead of searching for a simple normal and perhaps then a false self, I could focus on being more content with a dramatic normal.. as it seems my life has headed on that trajectory anyway. But then the other piece, is adding a more mature self to the dramatic side of things. And part of the way I can stay in the moment, is to see things from a joyful, humorous angle... unless things are totally crap and then I try to embrace that and sit in the sadness.

Wow! I'm not getting anywhere in this writing spiral. Sorry. Verbal diarrhea coming at you.

Here it is. I am striving for emotional maturity in the midst of chaos. I like myself when I can be lighthearted and optimistic but I am also becoming more comfortable sitting with pain and grief. I wish that my authentic self was a little more down to earth and less spazzy but it's not...I'm a dramatic mess. I think I'm really funny but I'm probably not, and sometimes I'm just embarrassing.

Emotional Maturity Striver. Authentic Spaz. Contentment Seeker. Not always funny comedian. Mom. Wife. Friend.

Not simple. Not normal. But ok.