Superhero in Tight Tights

A few months ago, I wrote a blog post titled, Parenting, Are we So Bad? And my feeling at that time was focused around trying to do the best we can with what we have. Taking responsibility for what was ours and for how we are raising our kids.

And for a few weeks there, I thought that maybe I was doing an ok job of parenting. That maybe I was seeing my strengths and weaknesses and working a little harder to take responsibility for my words and actions.

Then, in a recent appointment with a Psychologist, when asked to describe how I am as a Mom, I said... and I quote..."I am a freaking superhero!" She laughed, really hard. So I reneged a little. "Ok, I am a superhero, but a really frazzled, overwhelmed, overweight one... the kind who's still wearing the tights but clearly shouldn't be. The tights are really tight." I was imagining myself as a Bob Parr (The Incredibles) kind of character. Good heart, a little stuck in mid-life, not loving his career, but basically trying to help in the only way he knows how, kind of guy. That's me... lumbering along but still wearing the uniform. Still fighting for the cause.

But apparently, according to said Psychologist, I'm not doing as well as I'd hoped. At one point in our conversation her words to me were, "you're really smart, you just need to be a better parent." OUCH! That stung. I mean, I'm super glad that I'm smart and yah, probably I do need to be a better parent... BUT I'M TRYING, HERE! If I were perfect, would I have had an appointment with her in the first place? NO!

Now, to be fair, she wasn't trying to be mean, nor did I take it that way. But it did catch me off guard considering I've been waiting a while for this appointment and was expecting a very different outcome. Didn't she see that I was being brave every day, donning the ill-fitting leggings, using the cape more as a bib ...but still showing up? Couldn't she see my desperation? I guess not totally... because she did suggest I write a book. Oh, and be a better parent... that too.

So, here I am on a Monday afternoon, my kids at school, my house quiet-ish, thinking about what this all means.

I know I can't just "be better". No one can. What does that even look like? For me, right now, I think it starts with looking deep inside, reaching down to the places that hurt, reaching down to the places that stop me from showing up the way I'd like to. And maybe that will lead to healing and joy and peace in ways that will make me better... and then, maybe then, I will start to be the better parent that I need to be.