The Grieving Optimist

I generally try to look on the bright side of things. I hate being stuck in any kind of negative downward spiral so I will always try to see the positive in any situation.

And lately, I've been doing a pretty good job of looking at the positive side of Covid-19. Having a great place to live, where I can still get outside. My kids home and safe and healthy. Even grocery shopping has been an adventure because I never really know what kind of food I'm going to find. I like excitement. I like a challenge. And so, while I'm finding this to be a strange time, it hasn't been awful.

But today, I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed with things. It comes sometimes.... I can't be an optimist all the time. I think I'm sad. I think I'm grieving. Things have changed and it's unsettling.

I'm noticing that 2 things are happening in me today. One, it's quite possible that my sunny outlook is more of a reaction to not wanting to deal with sadness than an actual personality trait. (I not-so-secretely dislike chipper people). And two, I don't deal well with being sad. Both of these are tricky realities to be faced with.

I like to fix things. I like to solve problems and I get great joy out of overcoming challenges. And while it's good to solve and overcome, I think maybe I focus on it because it makes me feel strong and important. And I wonder if I use those feelings as an escape from not having to deal with the sad...because I don't deal well with being sad.

And because I like being strong. I like that people would call me strong. It means I don't give up and I'm resilient and I'm not a victim. Being sad doesn't say resilient and not a victim... or does it?

Could I say, I am sad and I'm resilient? I am grieving but I am not a victim? I am not giving up because I'm sad, I'm just spending time with my sadness so I can understand it instead of escaping from it? What does understanding my sadness even accomplish?

Today I understand that I am not superwoman. I understand that some marriages won't survive the emotional strains put on them at this time. I understand that some people will lose their business and all their money. I understand that some people have and will lose their closest friends, family members and loved ones. I understand that others are scared and that I can't help with that. I understand that I get frustrated with those closest to me when I'm scared.

These understandings feel weighty. I am sad for each of these scenarios. But I am also sad when any marriage ends or when any loved one dies. It is sad. Life can be sad. And Covid hasn't changed that. We weren't all floating along happily before this hit. We were a mess then too.

So this optimist is going to grieve and be sad for a moment. I am going to sit with knowing that I'm not always strong and resilient. That sometimes I'm just kind of a cow because I'm a sleep-deprived, stressed out Mom of 5. It sucks. The truth often comes with a bit of a sting. But it's ok for me to feel the weight of the world and grieve it's imperfections for a bit. Because in the end, that's what gives me the empathy and compassion for the humans out there.

By sitting with my own sadness, processing it, feeling it, I am preparing myself to be out in the world as a healthier, more resilient person. By sitting with my own grief, I can walk with you through yours. By doing my own work, I am growing in my emotional maturity and the benefits of that are exponential... and maybe my being-a-cow moments become fewer and far between.

While I will continue to look at the good around me, I will also continue to grieve the not so good. I will celebrate victories and mourn losses and it's in the holding of these two together that I will grow. Pushing through, and being falsely cheery for the sake of looking strong doesn't get me anywhere except more overwhelmed. But, sometimes, sitting quietly, letting tears roll down my face and sadness settle on my shoulders, sometimes, that's where I find the relief.

In walking with my sadness I become curious. In walking with my sadness I become creative. I become loving and empathetic and weak enough to see the strength in others. It is in my sadness that I become the optimist. For in my sadness, I allow my eyes to be opened to all the goodness that surrounds me. And I don't need to be a sunny, chipper person to look at life this way. I just need to be one who is willing to face the sad head on and let it hang around with me for a while.