Utopia

So, funny thing… my life is not the Utopian dream I assumed it would be. HUH?

I’m a romantic through and through. I love the image of the white knight coming to the rescue, and the damsel all star struck with moony eyes. And there’s a happily ever after that includes a clean and tidy castle with cute, well mannered kids.

Because now, in my story, while I am still adamantly holding onto the dream of the clean-well-mannered-house utopia, the heroine is somewhat of a confusing character both desiring a rescue and putting up a strong front at the same time.

The mixed messages, I’d say, are confusing not only to the knight who doesn’t always know how to proceed but also to the kids who consequently are not always well mannered.

So why this jekyll and hyde personality? Why damsel in distress and feisty heroine?

I’d say pain. Hurt. Sadness. Grief. All the things that disrupt our utopian dreams and bring us crashing down into the real world.

These things are confusing in their own right and then you add people and work and house and fun on top of them and the emotions get all tangled up together. And so, most days, it’s easy to blame the one who caused the pain and put on a strong and brave front, but that only lasts for so long. Do that too much and you’ve become bitter and angry and then you have more reason to feel pain and hurt and sadness and grief. And there’s a downward spiral with that way of behaving.

Yesterday I read a blog post written by a friend of mine and he suggested that even the negative emotions have a place in our world. And I agree. Because when you hold it back and hold them in, you’re lying to yourself and those around you. Some days the feisty heroine shows up because that’s the best way to deal with the pain, but what if it’s the damsel who just needs a few minutes of rescue that should have stepped forward?

Right now, in real time, I am sad. I am hurting. And I am choosing to sit with my pain and let it be what it needs to be. I am choosing to let it run over me and work it’s healing through me.

And it’s hard. It really does suck. And some days I need to put on my heroine face and get things done. But I know too, that the damsel has a say in matters too. When I need to ask for time or help or chocolate or red wine, I absolutely can do that.

My utopia may not have come to fruition. Chances are, it was never going to… I like to think I’m not that naive. And there is currently some really difficult stuff going on in my family. But I think I can be ok with where I am in my journey. And I’m going to hold onto my romantic self because while it’s the part that gets hurt the easiest, it’s also the part that is loving and gentle and creative and empathetic. My strength will come out of knowing that it’s ok to be weak. That the strength is not a brave front but a choice that I make because I’m surrounded by those who care. I can be the feisty heroine because I am also a damsel in distress.